


Duck Newton, Normal Human

by sanvitheartificer



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast), The Adventure Zone Amnesty
Genre: Gen, cursing, duck newton has a bad time, hopeful-ish ending, spoilers for episode 20
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-14
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-10-10 09:47:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17423567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanvitheartificer/pseuds/sanvitheartificer
Summary: Duck Newton has a bad time.Or: the morning after Duck hears from Minerva for the last time.





	Duck Newton, Normal Human

He's barely past the main drag when Duck starts panting, or maybe more like gasping. It feels like someone stabbed him in the side, and he's dripping sweat, and his uniform is probably drenched, and his muscles ache like he's run twenty miles, not three. Can running kill you? Fuck, what if he collapses in the road or something, and a car runs him over, and all his vulnerable, human organs go squishing out and he _dies_?

 

Duck is imagining the vivid colors that his kidney probably is when he trips. He has a split second to be blissfully unconcerned about this before the blinding pain hits.

 

Bones that he didn't even know he _had_ ache. He touches his face, and it's bleeding. There's _gravel_ embedded in his _skin_.

 

Duck continues to lie face down on the gravel road. A car approaches. Maybe if he doesn't move they'll assume he's already dead and leave him alone.

 

“Duck, you okay?” says Juno. Probably it's Juno. Duck hasn't looked up yet but it sounds like her, and not many other people would be on this side of town at this hour.

 

“Leave me to die,” says Duck.

 

“I'm taking you to work,” Juno decides. Duck hears her get out of the truck, and then she's hauling Duck to his feet. “You look like shit.”

 

Duck shrugs.

 

She eyes him, whistles, and brushes the gravel off of his face when Duck doesn't move. Duck yelps. When does it stop? Do normal people live like this _all the time_? Is life just constant pain for most people?

 

“Haven't seen something that nasty since my nephew got into his first bike accident,” she says. “What happened? Late night?”

 

“Something like that,” says Duck. “Juno, is life just constant pain for normal people?”

 

“And now you sound like my nephew, too. What's all this about?”

 

“Fuck,” says Duck. “Uh. I am, gettiiiiing, older? Yeah. And it is, it is harder than it used to be to run to work, and – ”

 

He gives up. He's a shit liar and who the fuck cares at this point, anyway. “How do you deal with it? I got up this morning and my mouth felt like something had died in it and I stabbed myself with a butter knife and it hurt. A butter knife!”

 

“Sounds rough,” says Juno. “Get in the car, I can talk a friend through a mid-life crisis or whatever this is.”

 

A few minutes later, Juno says, “So, sounds like you discovered alcohol for the first time, 'cept I know for a fact that the first time you went out drinking you got up and swam laps around the rest of us the next mornin'.”

 

The scrapes on his face still sting, but the pain has faded a bit, and Duck knows that he really can't explain 'apparently there _was_ a wormhole in my brain making me real strong or whatever but now it's gone and I'm a normal human and it fucking _sucks_ , plus one of my friends(?) committed genocide so _that's_ fun,' to Juno, who already knows too much.

 

“Tried some,” what is he even _saying_ , “ _Fuck_ , some experimental drugs. Real, fuck, real heavy shit.” Duck says.

 

“Uh-huh,” Juno sounds tired. “Alright, Duck. You don't have to tell me, I guess. We can talk when you're ready to be less of an asshole."

 

Great. And now he's lied to one of his oldest friends. This 'normal human' thing is just fucking _wonderful._

 

_***_

 

Duck spends the morning tripping over roots, and yelling, and getting real up close and comfortable with pine cones and pine needles in uncomfortable places.

 

He never wanted to be chosen, never fuckin' asked for _any_ of this shit, but he got chose, and he finally started to be okay with that, to make somethin' of that, and now Minerva's a mass murderer and he's not special and nothing he fucking did mattered one fucking bit because apparently, normal humans don't run eight miles to work, or do anything at fucking all.

 

Duck peels some bark off a cottonwood, and throws it. Goes about three feet and now he feels like shit for hurting an innocent tree that never tried to kill him.

 

Fuck. A few days ago, a _tree_ tried to _kill him_.

 

Duck starts laughing, and doesn't stop until he's doubled over.

 

 _Even laughing fucking hurts,_ he thinks, and laughs harder.

 

***

 

When Duck gets home, long past dark, he digs his old skateboard outta storage.

 

Everything fucking sucks. But like _fuck_ is he gonna let this get him down. He made his decision. Screw Minerva and Leo and everyone else, he's gonna be a fucking _hero_.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Y'know that tumblr post about how Duck runs into things because he never gets hurt? That was involved in my thought process. I have a lot of feelings about your body suddenly not being what you're used to. 
> 
> I feel like, now Duck's just a reckless five year old. He'll grow out of it, probably. 
> 
> Comments and kudos make my life :)


End file.
